I’ve been quiet a long while, as life has torn me apart and remade me a few times since my last blog. Recently, I had the pleasure of a spiritual dalliance that was so much more than I felt ready for. I only knew I was on the cusp of something I had never touched before and I didn’t want to regret another opportunity. I was afraid of the intensity of how I felt. It has been so long since I allowed myself to think about surrendering to pleasure, to vulnerability with another. Yet there I was, with this man whose energy is sensuality and sex, and I was able to allow him touch me. Not sexually; I think I would have bolted if it had become outright sexual. All I could feel was my desire to surrender, to let go. To be whatever and wherever I was in the flow of those moments with him. And so, I did. I felt a fire grow in me, one I have tasted of long, long ago, yet never like this. So sharp. So full. So dangerous to my control. Once I thought something was left unmade in me, as I had never experienced what my girlfriends described. Until him.
Was it because it has been so long for me? Was it a response to him and the irresistible call of his body? I think both perhaps. To touch him so innocently and feel him react against me had me fighting for control, with the taste of his neck on my lips and an inferno in my body. It was all I could do to just stand there and breathe, pressed against him, praying that I would not let loose this thing inside me that threatened to wreck us. The intent of our meeting was not the removal of his clothes, and there I was trembling on the edge of a massive loss of control. I rode it, learned to let the energy move through me and not to hold it trapped. Eventually the intensity calmed, to my relief. I was shaken, scared, yet still salivating. How could this be happening? I have felt so alien for most of my life, as desire does not move in me often. I’m the woman that needs to be coaxed with consistency, with impeccable word, with a slow seduction before I surrender my body. Before I’d even think to allow it.
My body was so there with him in those moments, along with part of my mind. The other part was throwing up warnings like checkered flags that the rest of me ignored. What happened next? The moment changed, got quiet. I closed up, the fear caught me and had its way with my center. I felt his eyes on me and my mouth opened. Jagged glass fell out, and I vomited a river of fear. The last remnants of the blockages I had been healing splashed onto his feet and I couldn’t stop it. All I could do was feel, be there in my past pain and not stop the train of my very human moment. When I came to myself, the damage was done. Strangely enough, the feedback I received helped a lot. It has been a very long time since a man seemed to hear me and reflected back what he heard intelligently, without trying to fix it. He was beautiful in those moments, which he always is to me, just differently so.
I feel a shrinking in me when I think about what happened, yet I know that night couldn’t have happened any other way. We were both messing with things it was clear we weren’t ready for. Lesson learned. I know with much more clarity what I am transforming within myself, I just don’t know what will show up to effect the work. He has been a wonderful teacher via experience for me. That flavor of fear I no longer run from. I know that accepting pleasure is honoring the divine within. I will not forget that again. I feel more womanly than I have in over a decade, and that I will always cherish. I feel like thanking him for the divine spark jump-start, though I am unsure if he would understand. Those moments allowed me to shed the skin of beliefs that no longer serve me and hear that quiet inner voice more clearly.
I have no idea what will happen now that this fire that has been lit. I know I can choose to put it back to sleep or to let it out and teach it to dance with me.
I’ve really missed dancing.
My child sleeps
Her eyelashes settle slowly closed,
like a butterfly landing on her perch.
Her breath slows and
gains a revealed cadence.
Her curls are wild upon her pillow,
the low light muting the colors
to a shadowy shade.
Quick wit hides behind
her closed eyes,
and quips of “Right, Mom?”
are suggestive echoes in the walls.
No stomping feet grace my hall,
nor screams or screeches of horse language
penetrate the earscape of my home.
The quiet and excited confidence
is stowed away
beneath flickering lids
and grinding teeth.
Her loving heart is
I first learned about the importance of self-care in a spiritual study class that highlighted the connection between a strong self and spiritual sensitivity via experiences, discussion and exercises. The two year course was a large commitment for me to make, and my gratitude for being considered for the class as well as for the knowledge gained have no bounds. I have struggled with my sense of self for my 36 years on this planet, and the concept of self-care has revolutionized my life experience.
As a former military member, a single mom of three, and a perpetually busy person, it is hard to think of myself as much more than a provider, a mentor, or a source of others happiness. I prefer my friendships to be very emotionally intimate, which I have observed to be quite different than most of the people I’ve encountered in my travels and many military moves. It never occurred to me during those 14 years in the Navy to ask myself what I wanted and needed instead of assuming that something was wrong with me and how I connected with others. I always assumed I was giving too much, which was partially right. I was giving too much to the “wrong” people and not connecting with people that aligned with my values better. Some people I did connect with and had great friendships that felt close and connected. Others showed what they wanted me to see, and used the knowledge they gained to further their goals. I do not fault them, though it hurt at the time. I learned some valuable lessons from those that took advantage of my kindnesses and refused to try to understand the diversity presented in the unique experiences we were blessed with.
As a single mother, I have to carve out time to myself whether I want to or not. Being introverted also means I have different needs than the norm, which contributes to negative emotions, depression, anxiety, and shortens the length of time I can spend away from home. Without the course I took, I would still be struggling to maintain the mountain of goals, job and family requirements, and perceived pressure from outside of me, while drowning in regret, judgment, and unfulfilled dreams. Without that course, my shift to asking myself “what fulfils me? “ as well as “What best supports me right now?” before I look to my duties would never have occurred. Two years after first hearing about self-care, I am still refining my list and understanding myself even more deeply.
Self-care begins with how you feed yourself. How are you eating and drinking? How are you feeling inside? What are you thinking? Whom do you look up to? What are you reading? How does your living space look and feel to you? Whom do you spend the most time with? Do you allow yourself to have enough fun? Nutritious foods, a well fed mind, friends and loved ones that support you and hold you safe, an environment that is as balanced as possible, and (if you’re inclined) a regular spiritual practice that fulfils you are some basics that I look at when tweaking my list. I also look at sleep, which is an essential for me. Most days I rise at 5:30 a.m. The rest of my house awakens (one way or another) around 7 a.m. I take the time when the house is quiet to meditate, yoga/workout (YouTube is a wonderful source for getting started), and if I have time to journal some. This practice helps to ground me and to center me in self before the selflessness of the day begins. I also make sure I have time to connect with others during the day. I do not have much time during the week to have in-person time with other adults, and if I am not maintaining my mindset I will experience loneliness and/or disconnect.
You can include anything that nourishes you on your list. Ideas include, cuddle time, sex, reading, exercise, connection time with others, alone time, nap time, added value and gratitude journaling, non-screen time, experiences in nature, etc. Adding finances to my self-care routine is my newest endeavor, which I plan to add to my daily checklist.
I hope this is enough to give you an idea of how you might handle self-care. Everyone will have different requirements and levels of variety on their lists. Happy list making!
Love Poem #21
I forgot myself with you,
a dangerous thing
that could please or tease,
fill me with fruition,
or bring me surcease.
Your look electrified
I wanted for your touch,
To kiss your mystery
much more deeply
and revel in the crutch.
“O” Story B
I feel like the girl from the book: “Wallbanger”.
I get close
but no actual “O”.
I think she’s been
telling me for a while now
to give her more time and attention.
I ignored her
I didn’t need a man
to feel her happiness.
At least, not a man in the flesh.
No men means I
give her more time to express,
and I can give her imagination her head
to run as fast and far as she wants to.
Maybe that’s why she left.
I never gave her much time to stretch.
Her heavy breathing
is my comfort level O,
the one I like the best
yet shortchanges her creativity.
I’m so sorry O.
I could promise not to do it again,
yet I already know
you won’t believe me.
I can promise you a man O,
I know you like men.
I can promise you I will give you
time to express more fully.
You like it and I do too.
I am not patiently waiting O,
just so you know.
I know what used to light you up,
and I’m using every dirty trick
in the book
to bring you back home.
We’re happiest together O,
and I hope you never forget that.