I’ve been quiet a long while, as life has torn me apart and remade me a few times since my last blog. Recently, I had the pleasure of a spiritual dalliance that was so much more than I felt ready for. I only knew I was on the cusp of something I had never touched before and I didn’t want to regret another opportunity. I was afraid of the intensity of how I felt. It has been so long since I allowed myself to think about surrendering to pleasure, to vulnerability with another. Yet there I was, with this man whose energy is sensuality and sex, and I was able to allow him touch me. Not sexually; I think I would have bolted if it had become outright sexual. All I could feel was my desire to surrender, to let go. To be whatever and wherever I was in the flow of those moments with him. And so, I did. I felt a fire grow in me, one I have tasted of long, long ago, yet never like this. So sharp. So full. So dangerous to my control. Once I thought something was left unmade in me, as I had never experienced what my girlfriends described. Until him.
Was it because it has been so long for me? Was it a response to him and the irresistible call of his body? I think both perhaps. To touch him so innocently and feel him react against me had me fighting for control, with the taste of his neck on my lips and an inferno in my body. It was all I could do to just stand there and breathe, pressed against him, praying that I would not let loose this thing inside me that threatened to wreck us. The intent of our meeting was not the removal of his clothes, and there I was trembling on the edge of a massive loss of control. I rode it, learned to let the energy move through me and not to hold it trapped. Eventually the intensity calmed, to my relief. I was shaken, scared, yet still salivating. How could this be happening? I have felt so alien for most of my life, as desire does not move in me often. I’m the woman that needs to be coaxed with consistency, with impeccable word, with a slow seduction before I surrender my body. Before I’d even think to allow it.
My body was so there with him in those moments, along with part of my mind. The other part was throwing up warnings like checkered flags that the rest of me ignored. What happened next? The moment changed, got quiet. I closed up, the fear caught me and had its way with my center. I felt his eyes on me and my mouth opened. Jagged glass fell out, and I vomited a river of fear. The last remnants of the blockages I had been healing splashed onto his feet and I couldn’t stop it. All I could do was feel, be there in my past pain and not stop the train of my very human moment. When I came to myself, the damage was done. Strangely enough, the feedback I received helped a lot. It has been a very long time since a man seemed to hear me and reflected back what he heard intelligently, without trying to fix it. He was beautiful in those moments, which he always is to me, just differently so.
I feel a shrinking in me when I think about what happened, yet I know that night couldn’t have happened any other way. We were both messing with things it was clear we weren’t ready for. Lesson learned. I know with much more clarity what I am transforming within myself, I just don’t know what will show up to effect the work. He has been a wonderful teacher via experience for me. That flavor of fear I no longer run from. I know that accepting pleasure is honoring the divine within. I will not forget that again. I feel more womanly than I have in over a decade, and that I will always cherish. I feel like thanking him for the divine spark jump-start, though I am unsure if he would understand. Those moments allowed me to shed the skin of beliefs that no longer serve me and hear that quiet inner voice more clearly.
I have no idea what will happen now that this fire that has been lit. I know I can choose to put it back to sleep or to let it out and teach it to dance with me.
I’ve really missed dancing.
Love Poem #21
I forgot myself with you,
a dangerous thing
that could please or tease,
fill me with fruition,
or bring me surcease.
Your look electrified
I wanted for your touch,
To kiss your mystery
much more deeply
and revel in the crutch.
These past weeks have been a roller-coaster of self-analysis and a peeling away at my own layers. It has released many tears and connections. New awareness has had a ripple effect across my relationships. I come away from the events of my last post with more understanding and insight on what love is to me and how I want to emulate that sentiment in my life. I am left with clarity on how to better care for myself and give others space. What they need might be different from what I need, and I’d like to respect that as much as possible. Having fun is something I curtailed in the past few years, and now I see why it is necessary method of recharging for me. I have decided to go out more and to “practice” dating. I say the word “practice”, because it is easier to start intimidating things if the thoughts around the decision are gentle.
I met a guy while I was out a few weeks ago who continues to pop in my mind. There are many things that I liked about him, and I find myself hard pressed to put them into words using this medium. What I can say is that he was great at being involved in our conversation, which I’m still shocked that I started. I began as painfully shy, and though I have worked hard at healing, it still comes up. I liked how comfortable I felt with him. I liked how we had a conversation about one subject, yet seemed to be saying other things. Interacting with him pulled me out of my comfort zone in a good way. So good I got very flustered and couldn’t maintain my composure. I found myself compelled to touch him when that isn’t my normal. It was a moment in a bar, one that will stick with me for a while. He moved me in those moments in ways I had never allowed before.
He left me intrigued, never giving up anything he didn’t want to, and never being disrespectful or impolite. I was left wanting more, and being very clear with myself on what that was. We did not exchange names or phone numbers. I once heard dating coach Matthew Hussey say: “The thing about regret is that you don’t feel it yet”. I get it, Matt. I feel it now and I’m kicking myself. I didn’t think I was ready to date. I had no idea that I was just resisting the idea. I was always ready. I just needed to decide to jump in or stay on the shore. I’m jumping.
There are still things I don’t know. Places in me that are tender. My mind and heart still need more communing. I do know that I am feeling more ready to be open to the new.
Big Thank you to Cameron Lincoln (https://cameronlincoln.wordpress.com), who graciously let me post his poem here.
I write about love as I see it on my blog because I don’t remember what it feels like to be loved by a lover or partner. I have been sitting for over a month with my recent heartbreak. I wonder how I got here. I planned well. I avoided love by way of having lovers. That’s what divorcees do, right? Protect their hearts while they raise their children alone. Or do they do what seemingly half the divorced population does and marry again within a year or two? I’m the other one. I open only when sparked, and that happens very rarely.
I prepared for heartbreak. I set up the perfect situation, but I forgot pieces of myself that I’d closed off in my younger, depressed years. I also mis-remembered certain important details of my former lover’s situation. Diversity is exciting, yet sometimes differences can break a relationship if communication isn’t happening(yet appears to be happening). In hindsight, it clearly wasn’t happening.
I am left feeling, for lack of a better term, used, which leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. This feeling tells me that I created illusions in order to be ok with something I missed. My lover was clear in this, but our understanding of what love is and how it is demonstrated was definitely different. To me, love is a sharing. An honesty. A reveal of the things I fear about myself, an unveiling of parts of me that not everyone else gets to see.
Love is a dance of many veils being removed, one after another until you stand naked. As is. If it is good love, love that edifies, you want to dance in it because there is so much joy. If the love is fearful, full of anxiety, or selfish, it hurts. There is a range of this, which is why I often think back to the times when things “almost worked”. Why do I do that?
I am left vulnerable and open, trying to figure out why I loved so hard, when they were clear that they didn’t. Perhaps if I had felt treated with respect in more than a sexual way, in this case, I think I would be less angry. This one was not intended to work, and I was ok with that. It hurts more because the lover I knew, the one I thought was also unveiling to me wasn’t. I just wish there had been more honesty and consideration.
Since there wasn’t, my exit shouldn’t be a surprise. I do love myself. I look forward to further exploring what that means as I continue to let go and move forward with the rest of my life. I just want to meet more people that really understand how to use healthy boundaries and sharing.
A big heartfelt “Thank you!” to Zoey Hart (https://zoeyhart.wordpress.com/author/zoeyhart), for agreeing to let me use her poem on my blog. I caught it on twitter and it was perfect for use here. She gave me the courage to post this instead of just writing it to myself.
What is it about death that makes me ache to let go of my limitations? Maya Angelou, Robin Williams, and now an Uncle are gone. Their light snuffed out forever. I look at the projected time I have left and know that I still have my training wheels on. Why? Why have I been so afraid to assume my own talents and passions? The answer is simple. They don’t look like societies version of life. How many of you hate the idea of nine-to-five work? Me, too. I can do it. At least, I have in the past. With fourteen years of military service under my belt, I’ve done more than the nine-to-five. It doesn’t fulfill me. Working for someone else’s dream makes me feel like a robot, and that is merely existing to me.
How can I teach my daughters to get to know themselves and to step into their dreams; how can I ask my friends what their passions are and how they move forward on their passions, yet not do the same for myself? I’d be a very hypocritical leader and teacher if I didn’t embody my own advice. I’ve had opportunities coming in small waves for over a year now, and I’d been to insecure to take some risks and step into my dreams. No longer. Life doesn’t have to be a struggle. It can be fulfilling, even if it doesn’t look like what everyone else is doing.
I know that I’m not the only one with my interests, though it seems we are a dying breed. Maybe that is why these passions burn so brightly in me, to bring them back into the light. Either way, there is no known second lease on life. Being here is a one-way ticket. Looking hard at this, I feel compelled to live as fully as I can, deeply, with as much love and excitement as possible. Bring on the adventure. Bring on the color. I want to be on the roller-coaster of hills and valleys with my hands held high and not clenched in my lap. Life is too short to live it less than fulfilled.
Is there someone you always want to get to know better, but are too nervous to talk to? Do have a passion you hide from your friends and family? Are your friends telling you what a great story teller/artist/singer/insert- your- thing-here you are? Why not take some baby steps toward making those passions a reality? Why not allow yourself to shine in the way only you can? Join me as I step into myself, and into freedom. It is time to take the training wheels off and ride like the wind.