I’ve been quiet a long while, as life has torn me apart and remade me a few times since my last blog. Recently, I had the pleasure of a spiritual dalliance that was so much more than I felt ready for. I only knew I was on the cusp of something I had never touched before and I didn’t want to regret another opportunity. I was afraid of the intensity of how I felt. It has been so long since I allowed myself to think about surrendering to pleasure, to vulnerability with another. Yet there I was, with this man whose energy is sensuality and sex, and I was able to allow him touch me. Not sexually; I think I would have bolted if it had become outright sexual. All I could feel was my desire to surrender, to let go. To be whatever and wherever I was in the flow of those moments with him. And so, I did. I felt a fire grow in me, one I have tasted of long, long ago, yet never like this. So sharp. So full. So dangerous to my control. Once I thought something was left unmade in me, as I had never experienced what my girlfriends described. Until him.
Was it because it has been so long for me? Was it a response to him and the irresistible call of his body? I think both perhaps. To touch him so innocently and feel him react against me had me fighting for control, with the taste of his neck on my lips and an inferno in my body. It was all I could do to just stand there and breathe, pressed against him, praying that I would not let loose this thing inside me that threatened to wreck us. The intent of our meeting was not the removal of his clothes, and there I was trembling on the edge of a massive loss of control. I rode it, learned to let the energy move through me and not to hold it trapped. Eventually the intensity calmed, to my relief. I was shaken, scared, yet still salivating. How could this be happening? I have felt so alien for most of my life, as desire does not move in me often. I’m the woman that needs to be coaxed with consistency, with impeccable word, with a slow seduction before I surrender my body. Before I’d even think to allow it.
My body was so there with him in those moments, along with part of my mind. The other part was throwing up warnings like checkered flags that the rest of me ignored. What happened next? The moment changed, got quiet. I closed up, the fear caught me and had its way with my center. I felt his eyes on me and my mouth opened. Jagged glass fell out, and I vomited a river of fear. The last remnants of the blockages I had been healing splashed onto his feet and I couldn’t stop it. All I could do was feel, be there in my past pain and not stop the train of my very human moment. When I came to myself, the damage was done. Strangely enough, the feedback I received helped a lot. It has been a very long time since a man seemed to hear me and reflected back what he heard intelligently, without trying to fix it. He was beautiful in those moments, which he always is to me, just differently so.
I feel a shrinking in me when I think about what happened, yet I know that night couldn’t have happened any other way. We were both messing with things it was clear we weren’t ready for. Lesson learned. I know with much more clarity what I am transforming within myself, I just don’t know what will show up to effect the work. He has been a wonderful teacher via experience for me. That flavor of fear I no longer run from. I know that accepting pleasure is honoring the divine within. I will not forget that again. I feel more womanly than I have in over a decade, and that I will always cherish. I feel like thanking him for the divine spark jump-start, though I am unsure if he would understand. Those moments allowed me to shed the skin of beliefs that no longer serve me and hear that quiet inner voice more clearly.
I have no idea what will happen now that this fire that has been lit. I know I can choose to put it back to sleep or to let it out and teach it to dance with me.
I’ve really missed dancing.
These past weeks have been a roller-coaster of self-analysis and a peeling away at my own layers. It has released many tears and connections. New awareness has had a ripple effect across my relationships. I come away from the events of my last post with more understanding and insight on what love is to me and how I want to emulate that sentiment in my life. I am left with clarity on how to better care for myself and give others space. What they need might be different from what I need, and I’d like to respect that as much as possible. Having fun is something I curtailed in the past few years, and now I see why it is necessary method of recharging for me. I have decided to go out more and to “practice” dating. I say the word “practice”, because it is easier to start intimidating things if the thoughts around the decision are gentle.
I met a guy while I was out a few weeks ago who continues to pop in my mind. There are many things that I liked about him, and I find myself hard pressed to put them into words using this medium. What I can say is that he was great at being involved in our conversation, which I’m still shocked that I started. I began as painfully shy, and though I have worked hard at healing, it still comes up. I liked how comfortable I felt with him. I liked how we had a conversation about one subject, yet seemed to be saying other things. Interacting with him pulled me out of my comfort zone in a good way. So good I got very flustered and couldn’t maintain my composure. I found myself compelled to touch him when that isn’t my normal. It was a moment in a bar, one that will stick with me for a while. He moved me in those moments in ways I had never allowed before.
He left me intrigued, never giving up anything he didn’t want to, and never being disrespectful or impolite. I was left wanting more, and being very clear with myself on what that was. We did not exchange names or phone numbers. I once heard dating coach Matthew Hussey say: “The thing about regret is that you don’t feel it yet”. I get it, Matt. I feel it now and I’m kicking myself. I didn’t think I was ready to date. I had no idea that I was just resisting the idea. I was always ready. I just needed to decide to jump in or stay on the shore. I’m jumping.
There are still things I don’t know. Places in me that are tender. My mind and heart still need more communing. I do know that I am feeling more ready to be open to the new.
Big Thank you to Cameron Lincoln (https://cameronlincoln.wordpress.com), who graciously let me post his poem here.